I've had nothing to write about for so long, trying to get over being laid off from my dream job in May (before I started, mind you) after a bogus state budget cut and seeing no end in sight but the bank, listening to my new boss's sexist racist homophobic comments.

Decided kind of last-minute to go back to school and at least take some social work prereqs so I didn't feel so much that I was just waiting for the rest of my life to start. Applying to grad school takes some time, yo, and most schools don't even have their fall apps up yet. Got offered a volunteer spot at United Cerebral Palsy in the Supported Employment office; things were looking up.

Yesterday out of the blue, I was scanning some house-decor inspiration out of my borrowed Apartment Therapy book (highly recommended!) and Austin showed me a missed call from a phone number I never forgot. My heart started racing as I gripped my phone waiting for the voicemail message to pop up. I knew she would leave a voicemail. She's dependable like that. I still think I dreamed it up when I dialed in and heard:

"Hey Kristin, it's ***** at *********. We just had a 40-hour position become available in Supported Employment Job Coaching and ****** wanted me to offer the job to you. The salary and benefits and job description and everything would be the same, you don't need to go through all the tests and paperwork again. I don't know if you need to sleep on it or anything, or if you've found another job, but you can call me back tomorrow if you need to sleep on it. My office hours are..."

I frantically called back and almost screamed YES YES YES when can I start?!?!?! By the way, I have school for 12 hours a week now, crap. They said it's fine, they wanted me, they would figure something out, we would make it work, we were meant to beeeee!

The thing that kills me is that our lease is up April 30th. Why oh why couldn't I have found this job earlier instead of being at the bank the majority of my post-graduation time here? Surely our landlord would let us extend it a few months into the summer if we need to figure some things out with wherever we move next, or more likely for the fact that I will want to stay at this job as long as possible, heh. Will someone even want to be your reference if you've only worked there less than 9 months? Sigh.

It's like how I get upset when I think about how haggard Zoe was when we got her, how her inevitable arthritis when she's old from a bump from a car that was never treated may take her away from me sooner. There's nothing I can do about it now but I still think "she's my tough as nails little calico, why couldn't I have had her from the beginning?" but the important thing is, I have her and this position now...

Dear Kristin:

• Eat better. Scavenge more. Buy less. Basically get further away from the capitalist systems you disagree with but participate in because you're lazy. Stop supporting big business!
• Teach yourself everything you ever wanted to know. Change your oil without your dad's help. Build your new bike yourself. Learn sign language with Clare. You are not a school-type person and know all about "unschooling" (ala The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education, Grace Llewellyn), now do it!
• Find a job that makes you feel like part of the solution, not the problem.
• Write to Robin for tips on communal/collective living.
• Live more sustainably/energy efficient. I know you don't drive much, but you could still drive even less. Work with Kim to get our "bike legs" back! Convince Austin to turn off the air conditioner more in the summer. <3
• Get the compost pile going the RIGHT way this time. Convince neighbors/community to do the same. Community compost pile? Why not! It'll keep a lot of shit from going to landfills...
• Watch less TV! Do more yoga!
• Figure out where you're going to move in a year so you don't feel like you're going to die in Normal, IL.
• Get a bicycle community going for real. Spend less time on the Internet. (Was getting a blog counterproductive?)
• Start the Food Zine project and have more events like the Swap Meet Party. Those things make you feel really good about your world and you need more of that feeling.
  
• Stop being so goddamn tired all the time. Maybe this is for a health-not-lifestyle list. Either way, figure out what the deal is with that once and for all. It's keeping you from too much.
• Basically, stop being a couch radical.

This list might sound boring/pompous but it's for me, not you. I think you get the jist of what I'm thinking and now know what I'm working towards, more than you would with my vague first post. I'll leave with this writing from my sketchbook on 3/26:

"I haven't really written for years because I thought I had nothing to say...

...I found the love of a lifetime and have to squeeze in togetherness on
Thursdays and half of another day off and it makes me die a little bit inside.
Like being long distance all over again, but we live in the same house.

We should be traveling, visiting our friends, building things, building
community. Not striving for a bit of happiness in each day.

There's so much MORE out there.
More than wanting more than just existence.
And I'm gonna try to find it."

manifesto?

It's no secret that I graduated a year ago and don't know what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

I have this theory that if I let everyone know my goals and what I'm trying to change, they will ask me about them when we run into each other and keep me inspired and on track and keep me from avoiding the changes that will be hard.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the first Defiance, Ohio song I ever heard: Why am I angry? What am I searching for? Is it a better way to live? - and I realize, that's exactly what my problem is.

This blog is going to be about me finding a better way to live my life, stopping my participating in the things that make me feel angry and helpless in my decisions, growing towards a life where I can be proud of my actions and not think that if I died tomorrow I would leave behind a wasted life.

I want my friends and family to be part of these discussions, to keep me going through the hard parts, to ask me how it's going and to get involved in projects together.

Big plans are building up in my heart. A combination of lists from my sketchbook will follow soon.